Friday, November 2, 2012

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hall

At times I feel like I have a split personality.  The last couple of days I feel that it has been worse and my poor husband gets the not so nice end of things.

I was warned that baby blues were common but should only last a few weeks.  I worried that I would end up with post partum depression (PPD) despite the fact that I have no personal or family history of depression.  My first few weeks home from the hospital I definitely had my moments of provoked (the dog running through the house uncontrollably, too much clutter on the coffee table, my husband going back to work) and unprovoked crying.  It has gotten much much better.

I read some books while pregnant all of whom warned that having a baby is stressful on your marraige and its important to communicate needs.  They tell you to divide the household duties and importantly for the mom to ask for help.  Me, being the classive over-achiever that I am, figured I can keep doing all the household stuff that I normally do (the laundry, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping floors, etc) and it won't be a problem.  I won't ask for need help.

And, I was wrong.

A lot if it has been an issue of bad timing.  Andrew is in a phase of his ship cycle at work where he has to work A LOT.  Its 10 hour days plus extra work at home.  He normally has these times once or twice a year and this current phase just happened to coincide with me being home with the baby after our help left us.  He has been working so much - usually doesn't get home until after 7 pm and often has to respond to emails or work for a couple hours once he is home.

During the day, I feel great.  Sawyer and I are getting into a routine (sort of ) and he naps for 2-3 hour stretches so I can do a few things around the house.  I don't seem to notice dirty dishes or clutter around the house.  I love holding him and snuggling and he usually isn't very fussy.  ButI swear the minute Andrew gets home, I feel a sudden need for a break from the baby and start to notice the dirty counters, the mail piled up on the table, the laundry baskets of clothes that need to be put away, the dog hair on the floor, and I start to freak out.  I feel so guilty asking Andrew to help since I know how hard he is working.  Also, I feel like what do I do all day?  Yes, take care of a baby but shouldn't I be able to get more stuff done than I do?

So, I just cry.  Because I know I can't get it all done on my own but I can't bring myself to ask for help.  I start questioning if I am really any good at this mom thing.  For the record, Andrew is totally willing to do whatever I need him to do.  He did help me clean last weekend (and noted all the little bottles and hair products I have on my side of the bathroom - hey, it takes a lot of product to be pretty) and did a great job.  If he doesn't have an early meeting, he takes Sawyer for an hour in the morning so I can get some extra sleep.  But I feel so terrible that he comes home and I am an exhausted, hormonal, crying person and not the happy mommy that I feel like during the day.  What is the deal?  Does this go away?  Its really frustrating.

So friends, part of this mom thing is learning that I need to ask for help from my husband AND give myself a break knowing its okay if I can't get everything done during the day.  Its totally against my nature but I'm hoping I will get better at it.

On a separate note, here are a few pictures from this week.  Sawyer has his first Halloween (he was a giraffe) and he went to his first party at our parent-baby class and "trick or treated" at Daddy's office.

Sawyer and his "date" Ellis.  He's going after older women (she's 12 weeks!) just like his Daddy.

All the babies in our class - I love the shark next to Sawyer


He slept through trick or treating at Microsoft.
And one last picture - we are starting to smile.  Usually when I feel like I'm getting some smiles because he loves his mommy, he ends up letting out a good poop.  Oh well.  Social smiles will be coming very soon.

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